The Life of a Bandit - Chapter 1

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thread starter DrHye Aug 31 2010 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

Author's note: I wanted to try writing a story, and if I like the replies and what I come up with, I'll continue :I But I haven't exactly planned the story out, I'm just gonna make it as I go along... So, leave feedback and stuff Chapter 1 Growing up in Mu Lung, I didn't know too much about any of the five adventurer classes, let alone their subclasses. The only place you could find them was at the dojo, but that was isolated from the rest of the village. I knew the names of each, and how to distinguish them, but that was it. I didn't know their exact abilities, but boy, did I want to learn. My name's David. When I was about 10 years old, I ran away from home. I didn't have a real reason for it, I just wanted to explore. My parents were calling out my name as I lost sight of my small house. There was a nearby forest that I've always wanted to explore, and now was my chance. Running as quickly as I could, I was finally deep into the Mu Lung Garden. I remembered what I learned about the Garden, how there were monsters there that no beginner adventurer could defend against, let alone a 10-year-old child. And with my luck, I was surrounded by Peach Monkeys and other monsters as I entered the center of the Garden. They were towering above me in all directions. The only thing I had on me was a field dagger, passed down through the generations in my family. I held it in front of me, but what did I know about fighting? I used this to cut through tall grass and fruits off trees. I've never killed anything before! It's not like killing monsters was an abnormal thing for most people, but for me, it was an experience I had yet to undergo. The monkeys and porcupines and whatever else were closing in on me. I felt like this would be it, but then something crazy happened. A guy decked out in black clothing was running around the trees, and then jumping from branch to branch. I only caught a glimpse of his armor - he had a metal claw on his left arm, and a dagger kept at his side. His hat's silver plate reflected the light the passed through the leaves. I knew what he was - he was a thief! He continued moving around without stopping for more than a second at a time, striking each monster one by one with throwing knives. They all dropped dead after only a single hit. This guy was without a doubt the strongest adventurer I've ever seen in my 10 years in Mu Lung. Three monsters remained, but not for long. The thief quickly pulled the claw off his arm and dropped it, then brought out his dagger. It was a sharp blade, looking smooth and even elegant, with a dragon's head above the handle and the blade coming out of it. The thief closed his eyes, then rushed straight through two of the monsters. This entire time, I hadn't moved, and the monsters hardly put up a fight. With one monster left, the thief disappeared instantly. "Hey wait, there's one more!" I cried out, as the Peach Monkey turned back to face me. I was right about to lose this battle, when a poof of smoke

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TagShadow + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

Art = story? You should have drawn a picture if you want this in the art section.

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Lanique 08/31/10 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

[quote] TagShadow : Art = story? You should have drawn a picture if you want this in the art section. [/quote] literature = art

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infferrno + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

So far, it sounds pretty good. There's just a few thing's I'd like to point out. Your grammar and English skills are very good. The one thing I thought you could have added to was, just as an example, this segment here: "A guy decked out in black clothing was running around the trees, and then jumping from branch to branch. I only caught a glimpse of his armor - he had a metal claw on his left arm, and a dagger kept at his side. His hat's silver plate reflected the light the passed through the leaves. I knew what he was - he was a thief! He continued moving around without stopping for more than a second at a time, striking each monster one by one with throwing knives. They all dropped dead after only a single hit. This guy was without a doubt the strongest adventurer I've ever seen in my 10 years in Mu Lung. Three monsters remained, but not for long. The thief quickly pulled the claw off his arm and dropped it, then brought out his dagger. It was a sharp blade, looking smooth and even elegant, with a dragon's head above the handle and the blade coming out of it. The thief closed his eyes, then rushed straight through two of the monsters. This entire time, I hadn't moved, and the monsters hardly put up a fight. With one monster left, the thief disappeared instantly. "Hey wait, there's one more!" I cried out, as the Peach Monkey turned back to face me. I was right about to lose this battle, when a poof of smoke appeared behind the monkey, revealing the thief. He instantly struck the monkey three times, and with that, the fight was over. " I found that it was lacking in a few things. 1) Emotion. The kid was scared, but you never really played on it. 2) Battle. It seemed kind of two dimensional if that's a way to say it... It didn't really seem... gah what's that word... exciting? Well something like that. It was just plain-ish. 3) Description. "...decked out in black..." Black as in... a Grim Reaper robe? Black as in the clothing you're wearing? Black as in Emo skinny jeans? It's better to describe things a bit more. "...metal claw... dagger..." Later on you describe the dagger a bit, but it's still not clear what it looks like. To a person who has just started maple, Metal claw, to them, would most likely be a Garnier. Enlighten us and them and tell us what it is. Now, about the quote I took from your story. I'm going to use a few examples to show what I mean. "... striking each monster one by one with throwing knives." Bland. I'm sorry for being blunt, but it's bland. Give a description of each like how one got skewered through XXX, another tried running, etc... First of all, they're not wooden targets so some movement should be had. Second, it's much more enjoyable if we have something to play a "movie" in our heads... I don't know if that makes sense. :P In my mind, the author has a few jobs. One is to entice the reader to continue. Two is to reel them in and keep them there. Three is to paint a picture. What do I mean? Imagination of the reader

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junebug493 08/31/10 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

infferrno You kind of summed up what I had in mind. D: I think your story needs to slow down a little bit, it just seems a little rushed. But the idea is good, it's an interesting story too. Your writing skills are AMAZING, I'd love to continue following this story. Can't wait for chapter 2! ^^

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HyperRyan 08/31/10 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

Keeping a spot will read later :D

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putiiii 08/31/10 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

There was a story I never finished, too bad I can't find it.

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infferrno + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

[quote] junebug493 : infferrno You kind of summed up what I had in mind. D: I think your story needs to slow down a little bit, it just seems a little rushed. But the idea is good, it's an interesting story too. Your writing skills are AMAZING, I'd love to continue following this story. Can't wait for chapter 2! ^^ [/quote] Sorry. D: Writing is a passion of mine and I love critiquing writing and submitting my own works so... Ninja'd? :D I agree with what she said. Rushing is usually tied with a lack of description. putiiii Name? I probably know where it is... :P

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junebug493 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

infferrno Haha no worries, I love writing too. But I put my stuff on deviantArt, and it's mostly poetry. F3 No patience for story-writing! Darn you ninja. D: Edit: Sorry for going off-topic. :x

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infferrno 08/31/10 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

[quote] junebug493 : infferrno Haha no worries, I love writing too. But I put my stuff on deviantArt, and it's mostly poetry. F3 No patience for story-writing! Darn you ninja. D: [/quote] I do poetry too except I add it into my story. Either it's an opener or it's a riddle that someone has to figure out. :D

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junebug493 08/31/10 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

infferrno Oh that sounds awesome. :D Is your writing on Basil? I'd love to read some. Btw, you have been friended. ^^

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infferrno 08/31/10 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

[quote] junebug493 : infferrno Oh that sounds awesome. :D Is your writing on Basil? I'd love to read some. Btw, you have been friended. ^^ [/quote] http://www.basilmarket.com/forum/1679639/0/White_Rose__Seeds_of_Insanity.html# http://www.basilmarket.com/forum/1683696/0/White_Rose__Time_of_Darkness.html# I have 5 chapters done but I'm too lazy to configure the rest into Basil-friendly documents. :P

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DrHye + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

Ok inferno, thanks for the criticism. I will elaborate more and take everything you said into thought when I make a second chapter :D Also, I read one book (The Bean Trees I'm pretty sure) where it went from 1st person to 3rd person each chapter before the two characters meet. So, for one character she would be the narrator, then when they talked about the other girl it was 3rd person. So I had an idea maybe I should write one chapter at least (not necessarily the next chapter) from the thief's perspective? TagShadow MapleStory Forums : Art : Discuss screen/comic making, share your Maple fiction and talk about artwork This is a Maple fiction. :I

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infferrno 08/31/10 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

[quote] DrHye : Ok inferno, thanks for the criticism. I will elaborate more and take everything you said into thought when I make a second chapter :D Also, I read one book (The Bean Trees I'm pretty sure) where it went from 1st person to 3rd person each chapter before the two characters meet. So, for one character she would be the narrator, then when they talked about the other girl it was 3rd person. So I had an idea maybe I should write one chapter at least (not necessarily the next chapter) from the thief's perspective? TagShadow MapleStory Forums : Art : Discuss screen/comic making, share your Maple fiction and talk about artwork This is a Maple fiction. :I [/quote] Yes, that'd be an awesome way to write. Multi-perspective keeps things interesting. :D Off Topic: If you want good authors of fiction, I'd deviate away from the New York Times because... frankly they let any crap in now. (Twilight, Harry Potter, etc...) I'd go for the International Best Sellers. My personal favorite author is David Gemmell (esp. Legend). I have yet to read all his books due to the fact that he was from the UK (died a few years back) and my library doesn't have all his books. T_T Be warned, these authors are for mature audiences and there are sexual references.

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cookie4mesos 08/31/10 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

[quote] junebug493 : infferrno Oh that sounds awesome. :D Is your writing on Basil? I'd love to read some. Btw, you have been friended. ^^ [/quote] You can also view his work on here . As for your story, Hye, I did enjoy it. My biggest complaint would be that it's too short. You've got to have a bit more 'meat.' As for descriptions, definitely going into some more detail would be good. I'd say Chris's White Rose is a good guideline to use. About at, or just less than is what I'd aim for. Now, there's also something else to keep in mind- don't go too far with your imagery. It can get tiring to read if you put too much detail. Once you find a nice balance, the important thing is consistency. You don't want an overly colorful protagonist with a bland antagonist (unless that's what you're going for of course).

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