Traitors (Teaser)

basilmarket.com forums : Warrior | 15 posts archived

thread starter infferrno Jun 19 2009 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

This is a teaser for my new series... yes Corruption is being tossed aside. =/ I haven't edited this that much yet as it's a teaser A low guttural roar swept across the rugged plains of Perion, the humid air adding tension to the peaceful grounds, as if the very land was holding its breath. Amidst the flat land, a village was nestled in an indentation in the earth. As the night dragged on, a deep sigh seemed to rise from the ground, sweeping across the withered and charred ground. The browned stalks of grass rose in the gentle breeze, dancing along with the gentle rays of the moon. A murmur ran through the plains as the gentle breeze wafted through the darkened grass. Somewhere in the distance, amongst the sparse vegetation, a shadow stirred. In the dark of a willowy tree, a tall figure rose to full height and stepped from the shadows. The darkness seemed to melt off his form, cascading off him like water from a bucket. As the darkness subsided, the features of a muscular man became prominent. The man stood at over six feet tall, thick, dark, coarse hair cascaded from his cranium, held together with a loose headband. A thick ropy scar ran from his bony cheek down into the depths of the bandana covering the bottom half of his face. Light leather armor adorned his figure. The dark clothing blended the man into the darkness. From the folds of his leather garment, the man pulled out a blood-red dagger, its edges reflected the glow of the moon as he twirled it experimentally in his right hand. Once the final tendrils melted off his body, the figure raised an armored fist into the air. On cue, hundreds of shadows emerged from the ground, their cloaks of darkness flowing off them. Soon, hundreds of Bandits and Assassins lined the plains, assembling into formation as they watched for their leader�s cue. The man looked off into the distance, towards the opposite side of the valley. His dark gaze caught the glint of metal. He scrutinized the grass closely and saw scores upon scores of Warriors lying in wait. The man looked back at his assembled soldiers and lowered his arms. As one, the group silently crept towards the valley. A cold, thin smile crawled up the man�s scarred face. Tonight those traitors would get their reward.

mapleestory 06/19/09 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

Awesome :D Very nice vocabulary.

masamunee 06/19/09 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

Wow, might want to arrange the lines better. So many broken sentences. :P

infferrno 06/19/09 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

masamunee said: "Wow, might want to arrange the lines better. So many broken sentences. :P" Once again basil killed it. :P And thanks to the man above me,. :D

KyuGuy 06/19/09 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

I stopped reading after a bit >< sorry D; But before I stopped, I noticed that you use gentle breeze

infferrno 06/19/09 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

KyuGuy said: "I stopped reading after a bit >< sorry D; But before I stopped, I noticed that you use [quote]gentle breeze twice, and very close to each other. Might want to edit that hm? " Thankee! :D

latino76 06/19/09 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

Hey just asking can i be in these series?

infferrno 06/19/09 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

I actually don't know if I'll take anyone this time. If I do, I'll find out soon enough.

latino76 06/19/09 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

Ok i was just wondering

masamunee 06/19/09 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

Oh yeah, one more thing. In the beginning, gentle breeze and guttural roar of the wind. Two completely opposite descriptions for the same thing being described unless I'm reading it wrong. That and an army of thieves? I could see it happening, but usually when surprise attacks are conducted by assassin-type people, it's few in number. But hey, that's just me. Otherwise, keep at it.

Lythorn 06/19/09 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

Good job Phantur, GREAT imagery, am I the tall, dark, and handsome man ^_~?

infferrno Jun 19 2009 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

masamunee said: "Oh yeah, one more thing. In the beginning, gentle breeze and guttural roar of the wind. Two completely opposite descriptions for the same thing being described unless I'm reading it wrong. That and an army of thieves? I could see it happening, but usually when surprise attacks are conducted by assassin-type people, it's few in number. But hey, that's just me. Otherwise, keep at it. " I meant it as like a huge gust of wind you know on the plains? usually its gentle but once in a while some big gust will fly out... maybe I should clarify it. :D You'll soon see why there's an army. This is like... 1/10th of a chapter. xD @Lythorn: Thanks! :D And no he's not you. :P

taleko 06/19/09 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

infferrno said: "I actually don't know if I'll take anyone this time. If I do, I'll find out soon enough." oh you know its not a story without me in there. Anyway you are evil for making this teaser, if you just released a full 1st chapter to begin with we would all be surprised, now we will be eagerly awaiting your 1st chapter. its good to see how your time off has changed your writing style too, even though this is like a 1st draft.

masamunee 06/19/09 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

infferrno said: " I meant it as like a huge gust of wind you know on the plains? usually its gentle but once in a while some big gust will fly out... maybe I should clarify it. :D You'll soon see why there's an army. This is like... 1/10th of a chapter. xD @Lythorn: Thanks! :D And no he's not you. :P" Ah, I see. But yeah, I've learned that even descriptions for the tiniest of stuff really make an impact. I got flamed for neglecting it once in a review when I first started writing lol.

infferrno 06/19/09 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

taleko said: " oh you know its not a story without me in there. Anyway you are evil for making this teaser, if you just released a full 1st chapter to begin with we would all be surprised, now we will be eagerly awaiting your 1st chapter. its good to see how your time off has changed your writing style too, even though this is like a 1st draft." The funny thing is I haven't written in like 5 months... I just played my story over in my head like a film. Then I write it down on paper and send it to basil. Oh and yes, I am evil. >:3 This is actually all I have written anyways. xD and I just wanted to see how people thought. If I got neg feedback, I'd have re-written.