The journey of Ulyssus, chapter One.(Unfinished) ( draft)

basilmarket.com forums : Art | 8 posts archived

thread starter GodOfSparks Sep 20 2010 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

*Hi if there is any changes i can make plz tell me, ty. *I didn't finish it too. :O *PLZ d'ont say anything useless. Good readding.... The Journey of Ulyssus, Hello, my name is Ulyssus and I�m 12 years old and I�m going to be a magician. I live in Henesey and I have a brother. He�s name is Yserus and he�s a Brawler. Before, I wanted to be one too but living out on the sea� I didn�t really like it. At home, I was always reading big books the whole day so Yserus said I could be a good magician so I followed his advice. I am now prepared to leave, I put my little knife and the money my brother gave me im my bag and I went towards the taxi. �Where do you want to go, kid?� the taxi driver said. �To Ellenia please� I replied. We crossed a vast forest, the road was bumpy but we finally arrived to Ellenia. I gave him the money and went to see Grendel. His house was on the top of a tree, and there were big solid doors. I knocked and hear an old man say �Come in my young one.� As I open the doors, there was a mountain of books and on the top there was the old man, it was Grendel. �What did you came for?� Grendel said. �I�I�want to be a � magician� I said in my small little voice. �The path of a magician is very hard, you will need to learn how to control your mana and magic, to do that you will need a lot of practice and maybe sufferance� He said, with a serious voice. �I know, sir� I said. �So be it, come closer and knelt down.� he said. I went closer and knelt down. He putted his hand on my head and said some strange things. Then I felt an explosion in me. I fell backwards. I was now a magician. Grendel gave me a book with my spells in it. I ran to the armor shop and bought a wooden wand and some clothes. �I sure do look like a magician now�� I told myself. I went outside and tried to kill dark stumps. They�re were kind of hard so a wizard F/p near by said, �Try to go in the training center, there are easy monsters in it and you can get training from and trainer.� �Thank you very much! What is your name?� I said. �My name is Flamerus and I�m a wizard F/p and im lvs 32� he said. To sort of ''showoff'', he raised his wand and it transform to a little fire bow. Than an arrow appear. When he shoots the arrow, it went straight into and dark stump�s eye and burn it to ashes. �That was awesome!� I cried out. �Well thank you kid, I got to go.� he said. He teleported towards the other side of the forest in a blue flashy light. I was so amazed, then I went in the training center. I sat on my chair and read my book. Magic guard, MP recovery etc� Then my eyes stopped on the the skill magic claw. The skill was: Attack twice on the monster with a magical claw. �That looks cool too� I said. So went in front of a slime and concentrate to make a magical claw. Then suddenly a two yellow claw appear on and beneath the monster and chopped him to and green puddle. �I will be the best magician ever!� I shouted joyfully. A few months later, I was dressed differently. I bought

My Characters: PurePoisonXD - 63 Windia F/P Wizard

aznpudding03 09/21/10 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

Uhhh. Cliche names. Beige prose. The grammar is okay, but there's almost no detail. Even with his <10 word sentences, Hemingway is filled with good description.

My Characters: burntPurple - 110 Khaini Chief Bandit

GodOfSparks 09/21/10 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

Thanks! But as i say, its unfinished. -.-

My Characters: PurePoisonXD - 63 Windia F/P Wizard

Plusle4eva 09/22/10 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

Unfinished pieces shouldn't be submitted to basil... Reviewer mode: On I disagree with aznpudding03. Some of his grammar is incorrect, and he structured it rather badly. Although, I agree with the cliche names and beige proses. Descriptions are badly conveyed and little detail in places. The story also flows roughly at parts. First of all, before submitting to the public always double-check for grammatical errors. They tick me off even more than extremely bad descriptions. Quality>Quanity. If it's too long and has too much plotholes/imperfections not many people are going to read it thoroughly, let alone take in what happened. Do not use excuses about anything. Take your own time. Peer pressure can go to hell.

My Characters: DivineWishxX - 51 Bera Cleric

GodOfSparks 09/22/10 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

Thanks, that's what i needed to know... and its not long at all. :P

My Characters: PurePoisonXD - 63 Windia F/P Wizard

Dorks + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

:c I can't pronounce the names! You spelled Henesys and Ellina wrong. I don't know if you think that's useless or not. You gotta word things better. Here's some suggestions: Hello, my name is Ulyssus and I�m 12 years old and I�m going to be a magician. I live in Henesey and I have a brother. He�s name is Yserus and he�s a Brawler. Before, I wanted to be one too but living out on the sea� I didn�t really like it. -> Hello, my name is Ulyssus. I'm 12 years old, and I'm going to be a magician. I live in Henesys. I have a brother named Yserus, and he's a Brawler. I wanted to be a Brawler too, but I didn't like living out in the sea. We crossed a vast forest, the road was bumpy but we finally arrived to Ellenia. -> It was a bumpy ride through <insert map name here>. Finally, we arrived to Ellina. �Where do you want to go, kid?� the taxi driver said. -> "Where to, kid?" the taxi driver asked/grunted(<-if he's kinda rude) I said in my small little voice. -> I said/replied in a small voice.

My Characters: Buccaroni - 26 Bera Pirate

ApplShinR 09/24/10 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

You really gotta work on your sentence structure... Also, first person is the hardest person to write (well) in. It just seemed overly plain, so I didn't bother reading much.

My Characters: SoCalSuicide - 30 Broa Assassin

aznpudding03 09/24/10 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

[quote] Dorks : :c I can't pronounce the names! You spelled Henesys and Ellina wrong. I don't know if you think that's useless or not. You gotta word things better. Here's some suggestions: Hello, my name is Ulyssus and I�m 12 years old and I�m going to be a magician. I live in Henesey and I have a brother. He�s name is Yserus and he�s a Brawler. Before, I wanted to be one too but living out on the sea� I didn�t really like it. -> Hello, my name is Ulyssus. I'm 12 years old, and I'm going to be a magician. I live in Henesys. I have a brother named Yserus, and he's a Brawler. I wanted to be a Brawler too, but I didn't like living out in the sea. We crossed a vast forest, the road was bumpy but we finally arrived to Ellenia. -> It was a bumpy ride through <insert map name here>. Finally, we arrived to Ellina. �Where do you want to go, kid?� the taxi driver said. -> "Where to, kid?" the taxi driver asked/grunted(<-if he's kinda rude) I said in my small little voice. -> I said/replied in a small voice. [/quote] Well, some of this narration works, since he's a little kid. He wrote it in a kind of stream-of-thought style of narration rather than a listen-to-me-tell-a-story style.

My Characters: burntPurple - 110 Khaini Chief Bandit