Chapter 1: The note

basilmarket.com forums : General Maple Story | 15 posts archived

thread starter SmackBabies Aug 21 2010 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

As my first story, i will accept some criticism and if there are any problems you have while you read this. Feel free to pm me about the things needed to be fixed, so when i make chapter II, it will be a lot better please rate it. i worked on it for 2 nights(roughly 3-4 hours) During a breezy day in Perion, both WalkwitWolve and Andrika were both sleeping in their hut, along with their pet wolf and silver mane. WalkwitWolve woke up with a nightmare, which had Andrika and himself, but he also saw unfamiliar people; people he haven�t encountered ever in his life. They were all fighting a magician with a black coat, and devilish red eyes. �What� does this mean?� WalkwitWolve silently said, trying not to wake up Andrika. He tiptoed outside of the hut, sat on the rocky floor, and looked up. He did this for about 1 hour; thinking about what that dream was all about. Once he came back into the house, Andrika rush towards him. �We have an emergency!� Andrika exclaimed. �Well, what happened?� �Wolf has gone missing!� �H-how was that possible? He was right beside my bed when I left to get some fresh air!� �I don�t know how this happened, but we have to find him, and fast!� �I know. Andrika, you take silver mane and look for him at the right, ill look at the left.� �Okay.� It took us a pretty long time to find wolf, since his footsteps were as light as a feather and he runs as fast as a cheetah. When he finally stopped moving, I found a girl right next to him, patting wolf. �Wolf! I was looking all over for you!� WalkwitWolve said panting. �Who�s wolf?� the young girl said while patting wolf �Okay, I don�t know how you got wolf, but do you mind giving him back to me?� He said politely so the young girl won�t get angry. �If you�re saying this animal is a wolf, you can have him back. I thought he was an overgrown dog.� The young girl said. Wolf started growling and raced towards the house. �Hey wolf! Come back! What�s the matter?� I said cupping my hands to make my voice reach him. �Does he always do that?� the girl asked. �Not often. He does it to alert us of strangers or burglars.� WalkwitWolve said. Wolf�s barking came from the house, and following with that, I smelled smoke. �No� This can�t be happening�� I said with a shaky voice. �What�s the matter?� The young girl asked. �Wolf said there�s a fire in my house!� �You can communicate with him?� the young girl asked. WalkwitWolve sped towards the house before her could even answer her. As he approached the burning house, he noticed wolf walking towards him. Wolf nudged him a little bit, and when he looked at him, all of his winter clothing was there, and so were his 2 pole arms. He took one step to the burned down house, and he stepped on a little note that was left for him. It has read: Prepare yourself. You will need it in order to help out your friends. -anonymous WalkwitWolve stared blankly at the paper, as if it was written in a different language. Andrika rushed towards me, only to see that our house

My Characters: walkwitwolve - 53 KradiaGMS Aran in Memory

kimikami 08/21/10 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

I didn't read the whole thing yet (I'm tired and I seriously need to hurry up on my summer work bleh >_>) but.... it is really weird to see my character in a story someone else wrote. lol. Like.. to see its actions manipulated by another person xD

My Characters: Siclaera - 20 Scania Thunder Breaker

WebSurfer09 08/21/10 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

Less dialogue, more narration. Then it'll be a better written story.

My Characters: DeathGuise09 - 67 Windia Cleric

Narutouzum78 08/21/10 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

Kinda weird how you get mounts but would take a cab instead :D but w.e grammar looks okay. other than that, it looks pretty good.

My Characters: OneLazyAngel - 70 Scania I/L Mage

supersmash38 08/21/10 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

The spelling and grammar are okay. However, dialogue is overused in this chapter and seeing as it's Chapter 1, it should have a bit of a Prologue or a short narration of what's currently happening. Also, a very small thing to point out. I see a few missing periods and I noticed the pet's names, Wolf and Mane aren't capitalized. Other than that, I hope this comes out well in the end. Good luck and hope you endure the criticism.

My Characters: Aranimated - 110 Windia Aran in Misery

DualBlade4 08/21/10 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

no just no...*facepalm*

My Characters: DualBlade4 - 60 Scania Blade Acolyte

xVongolaXIIx 08/21/10 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

The story seems... cliche...

My Characters: xVongolaXIx - 62 Scania Blade Acolyte

ilovetigrex 08/21/10 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

nice one of the thousand of stories of basil that I actually read Next chapter please

My Characters: TigrexBandit - 75 Scania Chief Bandit

cool123ter 08/21/10 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

we need a whole new section for maple dramas...

My Characters: iShootYah - 70 Bera Outlaw

Andrika 08/22/10 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

I need the next chapter. NAO

My Characters: ErikaMage - 75 Windia Priest

McTrippin 08/22/10 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

Good story, bit cliche and little to non character development.

My Characters: Presold - 144 Scania Hero

striker1333 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

I thought it was fine, but here are things that I think you could work on: First off, presentation: 1. Your sentences are all mashed together. This makes it look really REALLY messy, and a big wall of text. Plus, it made me lose the sentence I was reading some times. Instead of: [quote] SmackBabies : �What� does this mean?� WalkwitWolve silently said, trying not to wake up Andrika. He tiptoed outside of the hut, sat on the rocky floor, and looked up. He did this for about 1 hour; thinking about what that dream was all about. Once he came back into the house, Andrika rush towards him. �We have an emergency!� Andrika exclaimed. �Well, what happened?� �Wolf has gone missing!� �H-how was that possible? He was right beside my bed when I left to get some fresh air!� [/quote] Try instead: [quote] SmackBabies : �What� does this mean?� WalkwitWolve silently said, trying not to wake up Andrika. He tiptoed outside of the hut, sat on the rocky floor, and looked up. He did this for about 1 hour; thinking about what that dream was all about. Once he came back into the house, Andrika rush towards him. �We have an emergency!� Andrika exclaimed. �Well, what happened?� �Wolf has gone missing!� �H-how was that possible? He was right beside my bed when I left to get some fresh air!� [/quote] It makes it look far more cleaner, and I can actually keep a hold of the sentence I'm reading. Adding a space in between lines helps a lot. 2. Use headers for your titles and such, and for your chapter headers. Again, it makes it look a lot more appealing. 3. That reminds me. Add a name for your Chapter. It helps identify it, and allows the reader to foreshadow what's going to happen in order to keep their attention alive. 4. If you wish, add a "To be Continued". It puts it off at a cliffhanger, and is a great way to keep readers. Put it in headers too. Next off, writing: 1. Character development is a really big must for stories like these. It was basically a WHOLE bunch of dialog. Expand a little more in your story! Describe things, people, events, settings, anything to give the reader an impression on what's going on around the story! 2. Add more actions. Stories get a little boring if all people are doing is talking. 3. I'll add this in a sec.

My Characters: Impulse1234 - 127 Bera I/L Arch Mage

naruto2821 08/22/10 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

its not like you expect every maplestory fiction story to be awsome the first time you read it.like me i just put my story and everybody hated,so i closed the thread withen 2 comments.

My Characters: ShinsoBlade1 - 35 DemethosGMS Blade Acolyte

Ossriya 08/22/10 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

good story i liked, i write books bout superheros lol :D captain kool-aid

My Characters: EvanTheGirl - 20 Windia Evan 1st Growth

Podunkman 08/22/10 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

just a couple of grammar points, you switched between 1st and 3rd person (one point you were saying walkwitwolf, then you wer saying I) which is something stories don't do unless you are switching between who's talking.

My Characters: SuperBow77 - 45 Scania Hunter