Rate My Introduction paragraph.

basilmarket.com forums : Chat | 15 posts archived

thread starter Jokeefe Sep 07 2009 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

Well I'm writing an essay for an advanced placement class so I'm kinda scared... I'm only a sophomore and I have a really tough teacher. D: In A World Lit Only by Fire by William Manchester, the reader sees a recollection of major events which led to the split of the church in medieval Europe as well as a comprehensive detailing of the traditional lifestyle and mindset of virtually every social class to inhabit these times. Manchester aims to portray medieval Europe as an era in which the thriving arts, literature, and new popular philosophical ways of thinking were countered by a corrupt and hypocritical Catholic church focused on maintaining the profitable society it has established. With Rome being the center of influence in Europe, the Holy See was able to manipulate the majority of its Catholic society into literally �buying� into its dishonest and greedy methods which were anything but sacred. So yeah, remember I'm 15 so I'm using the fanciest words I know. :D For all of you stereotypical people, I'm not Asian. D:<

kayfabe 09/07/09 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

sounds classy, but what's the goal here? you shouldn't listen to me anyway. words stopped making sense.

Jokeefe 09/07/09 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

kayfabe : sounds classy, but what's the goal here? you shouldn't listen to me anyway. words stopped making sense. The idea is just to identify the main point of the book, which was about medieval Europe and basically what I put in the paragraph. :P

ichuckpoop 09/07/09 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

lol fancy words it seems a bit short to me

Tsalm 09/07/09 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

Hmm it's not bad. Try talking about what was going on at the time and then narrowing down towards the book. All intro paragraphs need to go from the general idea into something specific. If you need any more help, feel free to PM me or what not.

BabysAreFood 09/07/09 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

"Led" should leads since you're talking in the reader's present perspective. At least I think so.

Looterlord Sep 07 2009 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

1. Ditch "the reader sees". It doesn't add anything and makes it sound impersonal. 2. Which is your topic? Manchester's book itself or him being refuted by the Catholic society? Are you trying to inform the reader about the time period? I'd try to make it more clear what your body paragraph is going to be about. Rating: 7 or 8

dattyboy4916 09/07/09 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

" Manchester aims to portray medieval Europe as an era in which the thriving arts, literature, and new popular philosophical ways of thinking were countered by a corrupt and hypocritical Catholic church focused on maintaining the profitable society it has established" i would reword that. try to juxtapose the two like... Manchester aims to portray Medieval Europe as an era in which the arts, literature, and new popular philosophical ways of thinking thrived, but were countered by a corrupt and hypocritical... etc. etc.

xlrAcer5 09/07/09 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

First sentence is a run-on.

Jokeefe 09/07/09 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

Looterlord : 1. Ditch "the reader sees". It doesn't add anything and makes it sound impersonal. 2. Which is your topic? Manchester's book itself or him being refuted by the Catholic society? Are you trying to inform the reader about the time period? I'd try to make it more clear what your body paragraph is going to be about. How could I fix that sentence to remove "the reader sees" and still have it make sense? It's not really going to be a topic, it's a book review, meaning after I sum up the central thesis I'm to describe the author, how he is qualified to write the book, describe how the book is written, then critique it.

3rdDegreeBaka 09/07/09 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

A World Lit Only by Fire must be italicized starting the first sentence with "in" is bad that is a preposition i think that "a recollection of major events" is operating as a noun clause, so "which led to the split of the church in medieval Europe as well as a comprehensive detailing of the traditional lifestyle and mindset of virtually every social class to inhabit these times" is not only written in the wrong tense, it is unclear which verb affects what object. try to write shorter sentences as well

f0sho 09/07/09 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

errr i think it is sorta short....looks like u worked hard on it...! led/lead mistake....and i think there is a runon

Looterlord Sep 07 2009 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

Jokeefe : How could I fix that sentence to remove "the reader sees" and still have it make sense? It's not really going to be a topic, it's a book review, meaning after I sum up the central thesis I'm to describe the author, how he is qualified to write the book, describe how the book is written, then critique it. Oh I see, it's a book review. Ok well, My edit for the first sentence would be (trying not to change it too much) A World Lit Only by Fire by William Manchester, a recollection of major events which led to the split of the church in medieval Europe, details the traditional lifestyle and mindset of virtually every social class to inhabit these times. You can choose not to do this though; it's just what I would do if I were you. It's very good otherwise. Kudos to you for vocab.

EyeLiek2Sleepe 09/07/09 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

Break up the first sentence. It's too chunky and it'll annoy the teacher. Kind of a run on...

Kehaar 09/07/09 + PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT

Introducing the title and author in the first sentence is lame. Use a quote or something that relates to the next sentence.