thread starter Beefymeat Apr 10 2009
+ PM | QUOTE | PERMALINK | REPORT
| Shaquille O'Neal: I want to be traded to Team USA, brah. Stampler: Team USA? The one that just won the gold medal in Beijing? That Team USA? Shaq: Yeah. I think I could be the missing piece of the puzzle for them. Stampler: What missing piece? They won the gold. Shaq: ::Rolls eyes:: Pfft. Barely. They got lucky. Those hairy goat-herding Gasol brothers dominated The Big Ho and RuPaul. Stampler: Who's "The Big Ho"? Shaq: That's my new nickname for Dwight Howard. I frequently like to taunt my rivals by publicly questioning their sexual orientation. I'm provocative, brah. Stampler: Some would say you're just offensive, immature, ignorant, and rude. Shaq: I don't pay attention to mere mortals. I'm the son of Jor-El. I am not of your world. Stampler: ::mumbles:: Yeah, us humans can make free throws. Shaq: What'd you say? Stampler: ::mumbles:: Shaq: ::mumbles:: /we mumble at each other for six awkward, and yet oddly hilarious minutes. Stampler: So Shaq, why do you want to be traded to Team USA? Shaq: I'm a winner. Always have been. I've won everywhere I've been except college, Orlando and Phoenix. I'm tired of playing with loser point guards like Chris Quinn and Steve Nash, brah. I wanna play with a point guard who can get me the ball, and Team USA's got three of 'em. That's some good depth. Stampler: Are you aware that Team USA isn't a real NBA team? It's just a group of NBA players put together to compete in international competitions. Shaq: The league always expands. We always get new teams. It's 'bout time for another. But this time, a good one. Memphis sucks, brah. They're a WNBA team. They should be absorbed into the WNBA and Team USA should be the new expansion team. Stampler: But Team USA doesn't even have a home stadium. What city would they play in? Shaq: We don't need a home stadium. We could be a traveling road show, like the Globetrotters. We'll come to your town, whoop your punkass team on the court, drink your booze, raid your fridge, sleep with your women and be on our marry way to the next city. Stampler: I admit, that does sound like an oddly appealing idea. Shaq: I'm filled with good ideas. Like making up my own words and grammar. I'm a word Shaqapreneur. See what I did there? I took the word "Entrepreneur" and put my name in it. I'm witty. The NBA needs my personalty in the playoffs. Stampler: Shaq, even if Team USA were allowed to be an expansion team, don't you think that the owners and fans of other teams like the Lakers and Cavs would object to their best players leaving? Those guys have contracts binding them to their clubs. Shaq: They'd have no choice brah. I come from a military family. When Team USA drafts you, you gotta come over. Otherwise you're a punk draft dodger. You'd have to run away and live in Canada and play for the Raptors. You think RuPaul wouldn't rather play for us than the Raptors? Stampler: Well what about the salary cap? Shaq: What about it? Stampler: I think Team USA would make like four or five times the l |
